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I was at home the other day, high as giraffe pussy, watching the History Channel and they had this documentary on "In Search of Noah's Ark", and I went "Uhhhhh, how 'bout you go lookin' for the fuckin' Snuffleupagus while you're at it? I heard that dude's a-missin'! You really gonna go? Yeah? Hey, on the way back will you go to Whoville and get me some Green Eggs and Ham? You fucking gullible prick!" Don't get me wrong, if you're religious I'm not saying there's no god, I'm saying; people are full of shit, and that story sucks. Hello? Why do we have to believe it just because it's been around a long time and makes no fucking sense. You tell the story of Noah and the Ark to an eight year old retarded boy - he's gonna have some questions. It's just a bad story! Even if you're really good at telling stories, and you set him down; "Right, Bobby! Once upon a time, God was mad at all the people in the world! And instead of telling everybody what they were doing wrong and offering guidance, he decided to go ahead and drown everyone! And he only told one man - a random man named Noah. Just picked him out of a crowd, he wasn't a special man - in fact Noah was 600 years old and a drunk! Anyway, God told Noah to build a boat, and he and his family would be the only people to survive the flood. Because, apparently, all the people with their boats, their shit didn't work! Noah magically got two of each animal to come to him on foot, from all over the world! And they willingly boarded the boat and got in the cages, and they sailed away for forty days and forty nights and civilisation began anew!" Eight year old retarded boy's gonna be like "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhh, there's a lot of holes in that story! Let me sit down for a moment! First of all, how big is this fuckin' boat?! Didn't you tell me there were millions of animals? One guy built this boat, how long d'it take him? Where did he get all of the wooooooood? 600 years, he seem a little old for a fella to be taking on a project of this magnitude! The animals come on foot, isn't the earth 24,000 miles long? With three quarters covered with the water?! Wait a minute, what did the animals eat when they were on the boat for forty days, since since animals like to eat other animals! I'M NOT THAT RETARDED!" You motherfucker. "Four people come from Noah, Noah's a white guy, where did all the black people come from?!" I'm all in favour in believing that there's a purpose to life. I just want it to make a little sense, that's all. (en) |
